How to Solicit Sympathy From Everyone You Know

If you are suffering with chronic muscle and joint pain, Professor/Dr. Rothbart may be the answer to your prayers. Being his assistant, I have personally seen him bring to full recovery people with devastating musculoskeletal problems that other doctors said were beyond help.

But if you have another serious body problem (other than musculoskeletal), which has not responded to therapy, and in fact seems to have taken on a life of its own, maybe I can help.

You may ask what qualifies me to give you advice on your problem. The answer is- I had many years of living in a non-cooperative body until I found Professor/Dr. Rothbart.

Even today, though I no longer have musculoskeletal problems, I still have to deal with health issues like food sensitivities.

I also have a fractured funny bone, and that humerous humerus forces me to make fun of my own problems!

Today, for instance, I read an article that said you should look for the positive in any situation. I thought about it, and decided that the only positive thing any of us get from a chronic condition is the knowledge that we positively don't want it anymore!

But on second thought, I decided that the sympathy people sometimes show me is a positive thing. A little sympathy can feel so soothing. So if I were smart, I'd milk my health issues for all they're worth and really make the sympathy flow!

Laughter really is the best medicine, so let me share with you a laugh-out-loud list I made of ways to solicit sympathy from everyone you know:

Tell your doctor about all those before him who have tried and failed
Or even better, those who told you that they could help you and then after taking all your money, admitted they were stumped!

Make sure you have an illness with a name
If you don't, you will be labeled a hypochondriac.
I'm still working on my name, something that will encompass my 3 page list of symptoms.

Complain – and lots of it
If you are the strong and silent type, how will anyone know how miserable you feel? Complaining loudly and often is a great release and instant pick-me-up.

Find someone who feels just as bad as you do and commiserate together
Whoever said 'misery loves company' was right.  

Shoot the next person who recommends what has 'worked for them and countless others'
If someone tells you 'It's all in your head' or 'Live with it', shoot them, too.

Moan
We don't want others to forget how badly we feel. A gentle reminder does the trick. Moans must be well-timed- not so many that you are ignored, not so few that they forget why you're moaning.  

Scream
Those piercing jabs should be 'shared' with others.  Best hour to scream is around 2am when nothing's on TV and you'll have a captive audience.

Keep your 'symptoms list' tacked up on the refrigerator
I've tried numerous other locations, but have found this site to be the most frequently visited.

Display your warehouse of remedies in a pretty glass case
Keep them beside all the health gadgets you've collected over the years.

Casually dump your pill allotment onto your napkin  
Then explain to dinner guests the specific function of each pill.

Tell your spouse what you have learned from your doctor
Explain the significance of the shape, color and texture of your stools and the difference between 'floaters' and 'sinkers'.

Point out each new bump, wrinkle, rash and swollen body part
Give others the pleasure of appreciating the subtle changes, as they occur.

Map out the location of public toilets and/or keep a potty in the car
Have well-thought-out answers as to why you need to stop every 15 minutes.

Write a letter to God asking these questions:
Why doesn't anyone else have this problem?
Why am I the only one suffering?
When do I get a break?

Extol the family benefits derived from your passing
Won't my sewing corner be a lovely billiards room?

Reflect on the fact that 'it won't last forever'
Maybe with a little luck you'll be dying soon.

Meanwhile, remember that illness brings strength of character
Hmmmmm.

Sure we know it's in our best interest to be positive, but we all give in to some righteous self-pity now and then, especially when things seem at their worst. I say- Go with the flow and welcome to the human race.

I find that no matter how badly I feel; if I can just find something to laugh at, things don't seem quite as bad. In other words; illness isn't fun, but laughing at it is.  Take the joy where you can; we all die, so let's exit smiling.

Linda Penzabene

Assistant to

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